Am I Asexual or…?
For many people, realizing they may be asexual (also called ace) is not a sudden moment of clarity, but a long series of questions. Am I asexual, or am I feeling disconnected from my body? Am I asexual, or have past experiences made intimacy feel unsafe? Do I truly lack sexual attraction, or do I need time and trust to feel connected? Because sexuality is deeply tied to confidence, culture, relationships, trauma, identity, and personal preference, it can be difficult to tell where one experience ends and another begins. This article breaks down some of the questions and misconceptions people wrestle with when trying to understand whether they may fall on the ace spectrum, helping you explore your feelings with more clarity, nuance, and self-compassion. Please bear in mind that with all of these questions, the possibility exists for both to be true. The goal here is to help differentiate between these topics in ways that could help increase understanding of your own sexuality.
Am I ace or am I not straight?
For some people, something called “compulsory heterosexuality” may be causing someone to question whether or not they are asexual. Compulsory heterosexuality is the theory that people being straight is a given and that heterosexuality is something people are pressured to conform to in a society that privileges heterosexual relationships, binary gender, and narrow gender roles that increase labor for women and femmes. This can be magnified for lesbians, bisexual or queer women, or nonbinary queer people because of the patriarchal nature of most cultures. For people who have not explored if they might be lesbian or queer who are a woman or nonbinary person, it may be helpful to consult the “Am I a Lesbian” master Google doc. You can go through this document and identify behaviors or thoughts you may have had that are influenced by “comp het” rather than by your own authentic desires. It is important to note that you can be both asexual and another part of the LGBTQ+ spectrum. This can also make things more complicated, but you might find for example that you are sex-averse (not interested in sex) but romantically attracted to any gender, or that you are demisexual (sexually attracted dependent on strong emotional closeness), trans, and bisexual. Be gentle with yourself as you discover what your sexuality is - know that most of us don’t grow up in homes where families openly discuss different types of relationships and sexualities, and it may take time to understand your own.
Am I ace or do I feel uncomfortable in my own body?
Some people may experience a lack of interest in sex or sex repulsion when they are experiencing body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria, or have experienced spiritual or sexual trauma. Given that a high number of gender diverse people experience sexual abuse and trauma, this can sometimes make it challenging to figure out what might be related to gender, trauma, or asexuality.
If you notice that you are often struggling with feelings of shame or guilt about your body or focused on certain body parts, your shape, or size due to body dysmorphia, a therapist can help you get curious about where this might be coming from and help you learn to move toward relating to your body in a way that feels supportive. You may or may not end up loving your body, but you can hopefully move toward body neutrality and acceptance. From that place, it can become less of a struggle to engage in emotional or sexual intimacy. In addition to therapy, seeking out media highlighting people of various body types, ethnic backgrounds, abilities, and gender identities who accept and/or celebrate their bodies can help you to see your own differently.
If you are noticing these same feelings in addition to gender dysphoria, discussing your feelings with other nonbinary and/or trans people or going to a structured processing group can be supportive and help you to feel less alone, as well as highlight different expressions of transness and ways people are finding joy or connection with or without medical intervention. For many people with gender dysphoria, medical intervention is lifesaving and radically changes their experience of their body and mental health. A therapist and doctor who specialize in gender affirming care can help you navigate the complex medical system around this. Some people experience a dramatic change in their sex drive after coming out and having more authentic relationships, while others may not experience a shift in this until starting hormones or post surgical intervention. It can often feel like relearning your body and the ways you want to engage in sex, and that can take time for it to not feel awkward or uncomfortable. Alternatively, some people might notice a reduction in sex drive due to the impact of hormones. See one of the below sections for ways you can address this if you are experiencing distress around reduced sex drive due to hormones. If you notice that you have addressed gender dysphoria to a point where you are feeling more at home in your own body, connecting intimately with people that affirm your gender identity, and still having little to no interest in sex, this may be an indicator that you are on the ace spectrum. However, if you also have a history of sexual trauma, and have not addressed that, your experience of sex and your body is likely still being impacted by that.
To start healing around sexual trauma, working with a sex therapist or trauma therapist, as well as being around people who are understanding of your triggers, can be very helpful. You can learn how to engage in physical and emotional intimacy in ways that build a sense of relational safety, respect, and trust. You can slowly connect more with your body and learn how to pause sex and respond to triggers in a way that build self-trust as well. Some trauma therapies also help reprogram the body’s nervous system so that the brain isn’t reacting from a place that is connected to old trauma memories and is instead connected to the present moment. It is also very important that whomever you’re engaging with sexually is supportive of you working through healing this and open to engaging in sex in ways that are responsive to and sensitive of your trauma. It may also be challenging to differentiate between if you are demisexual or responding to trauma if you are someone who has experienced sexual trauma and need an emotional connection and higher level of trust before engaging in sex. Ultimately, regardless of why that is happening, it is up to you to decide if the label of demisexual and being on the ace spectrum is something you resonate with, or if you want to describe it as being informed by trauma, or both.
You may also be someone who grew up experiencing spiritual trauma, which may mean that you carry a lot of shame around sex and your body. Start seeking out other people’s stories and ideas around how they view sex and sexuality in a more positive light, and ask yourself questions around where your own stories and ideas have come from. Do they still feel true for you? Are these stories serving you and your relationships? You may notice that as you start creating a different conception around sex and desire that you feel more able to engage in physical intimacy in a way that feels affirming.
Am I ace or is my sex drive impacted by hormones, medication, or stress?
This question may be particularly challenging if you have been on birth control since an early age to help with menstrual symptoms, have taken anti-depressants, anxiety medication, anti-psychotics, or even some antihistamines for a long time, or have been under heavy stress for many years (or your whole life). It is important to remember that if you at one point did have an interest in sex that felt genuine and not tied to societal pressure, than you are likely not sex averse and ace, but you might still be gray ace or demisexual. Unfortunately, not all doctors check in around sexual side effects with hormonal birth control, gender affirming care (including menopausal care), or medications. Sexual side effects matter and you have the right to have a fulfilling sex life. If you are noticing a change in sexual drive, dryness, erectile dysfunction, or other effects that is causing you distress, tell your doctor about this as it is possible there are other medications, dosages, or ways to address what is going on without these effects or with less intense effects.
If you are under chronic stress, start by recognizing that it is incredibly challenging to navigate the world we are in that is impacted by capitalism, imperialism, and many other isms without feeling various types of distress. The goal is not to feel no stress or discomfort when that would actually probably be more of a sign of disconnection to the world. Instead, see if you can find ways of responding to stress both individually and in community. Learn how to identify needs you have that you can make small bids for care around to your friends and build up to larger asks. Figure out what strengths and skills you have to offer as well. Movement, meditation and breathwork, adequate sleep, and self-compassion can all be helpful as well, but healing from burn out is not something that gets better in isolation. It is really challenging for the body to get turned on under heavy stress, so see if you can find ways to ease into physical affection and figure out what times/days you tend to be able to set aside the stress for a little while. Bringing in a sense of wonder and humor can also help this process. You may find that over time there is more ease with sex and physical intimacy.
Am I ace or is this (these) the wrong relationship(s) for me?
When someone has been in a relationship where there is disconnection, abuse, or it isn’t a fit due to differences in sexual preferences or sexuality, they may start to wonder if they are asexual due to a lack of interest in sex. Ask yourself if this was the case before this relationship or if you noticed your libido change after being in the relationship. If this was the case before the relationship, you may be on the ace spectrum or any of the above situations might apply. However, if you had a sex drive prior to this relationship and now it has died out, you may need to address what’s going on between you and your partner(s) in relational therapy, or you might find that this is not a relationship that is a good fit for you. If there is abuse happening, please reach out to local domestic violence or sexual assault advocates, who can help you make a safety plan and talk through things with you in a confidential environment.
Am I ace or am I aro and assuming I’m also ace?
Finally, some people may understand that they are aromantic (completely or mostly uninterested in romantic relationships) and as such assume that they are also ace. However, just as there are people that are ace and are very romantic, there can be aro people that are allosexual (experience sexual attraction).
Hopefully this article has helped with starting to unpack if you may want to explore being on the ace spectrum more in depth, or if something else might be at play regarding your low sexual desire. Whether you ultimately identify as asexual, discover another explanation, or continue exploring, giving yourself permission to stay curious and compassionate with yourself can make the process feel a little less overwhelming.
